Home » Thoughts along the way » Happy 14th Birthday sweet Brianna

Happy 14th Birthday sweet Brianna

 I really do not know where to start! I hate that this is the second birthday without Brianna, even though we still count the years she will forever be 12. I want to reflect on the person she was and still is, I know I have allot of pain that I talk about but we must not forget who Brianna was as a person. She was a ball of fire that’s for sure, she had so much energy, it was her personality that was so full of life, she didn’t just say hello, she said HELLO! she did not just give you a little hug; she gave you a HUG that would throw you back a little.

Brianna always had such an old sole to her, she just knew things, she really read people and took the time to process who they were, she always knew what to say and when to say it. She definitely taught me some lessons and she still is. I remember when Chris and I would leave the girls sometimes we would always go to Brianna and tell her “ok now you keep an eye on your sister, and remember she is not suppose to go anywhere” :) I think Brianna liked when she could sneak on Kayla and loved being able to come to us to tell us what Kayla did…..

Brianna was just a kid trying to figure out life just like the rest of us, she was strong willed and just always happy, I knew in her life she would make a big difference in the world, I just never knew it would be at the age of 12 and at the expense of her own life. I look back at my 12 years with her and feel so blessed with the time I had with her, all the times we spent in the bathroom with me doing her hair, never complaining how long it took, I loved doing the girls hair. I love all the times she tucked me into bed and giving me a big hug good-night. All the innocent things she said like the one time she must have been 4 or 5 and we had a wood cabinet in the bathroom, she was taking a bath and I told her not to get water on the floor it would hurt the wood, she told me ” Mommy the wood doesn’t have feelings” or the time when we were at the pool and some little boy kept pulling Kayla’s hair Brianna marched right up to the dad and said ” do you not see what your little boy is doing to my sister? you better tell him to stop” I think Brianna was 5 or 6. she never had a problem defending people that is for sure. She always had a smile on her face, and of course the frown when she did not get her way or we caught her doing something she shouldn’t be doing.

So much is missed not having her here; I wonder if she would be taller than me? wait what am I saying she was almost taller than me. She grew up so fast in 6th grade it was almost like over night, I don’t know if she was having a hard time with all of the changes of sixth grade, her body was changing, and from the beginning of sixth grade where she was just a kid and then the end of sixth grade she blossomed, she was so beautiful but never accepted compliments and I am sure there were some girls that were jealous.

I think back to that morning all the time and wonder if I missed something, it is so hard as parents, our kids get mad at us we get mad at them and we never think that anything will happen. Brianna was normal (at least to me) that morning, but I cannot beat myself up, that is why The Choking Game comes up, this game seems so ordinary to kids almost like sneaking a cigarette, ( I will just wait until Mom leaves and light up) these kids just do it on a whim.

Well enough of that I will be thinking of that morning the rest of my life, but you get my point, Brianna was a normal kid going through normal stuff, she had a good home life well maybe sometimes to good, I hardly made her do anything and I always heard it from Kayla :) Brianna had her friends that loved her, and she talked about the future.

We talk about Brianna everyday sometimes as though she is still here, ” where is Brianna’s make-up, or where is Brianna’s computer” or Brianna would love this. And I hope that this is how it will be forever, I never want a day when I do not think of her or talk about her, I don’t know maybe that is my selfish self having the foundation, that way I get to talk about her all the time. People say the pain gets a little lighter, why would I want that? it was a human life that is gone, a human life at the age of 12. I do know that I do smile, I do laugh, sometimes it is sincere sometimes it is just a motion, I believe in happiness but that does not mean that I want the pain and the thoughts of my child to go away, it is a little hard to understand I am sure, but trust me as a Mother who has lost her baby this is how I feel.

I remember being so proud of Brianna’s Dad last year for going to her party, if you have followed me you will know why, he has struggled so hard this past year and really cannot bare to be without her, it is him that I worry about, and it is him I hope Brianna continues to watch over. We just got over a really rough patch a couple of weeks ago, and each time it happens I pray that he continues to fight.

So with that being said I don’t want the day to come but I know it has to just like all the other days but it is days like today that make it even harder and remind us that she is never coming back, it is the holidays that will be here and then the new year, my days are the same filled with the same pain (my new normal) but today is magnified.

This year it was a struggle for me and a very tough decision to keep a quiet birthday at home,

but just wait until next year! We will be planning a HUGE event and that will start the legacy of Brianna Reid Canacari- watch out Pink ribbon you are in for some competition.

You haven’t seen nothing yet we have only just begun.

I want to again say thank you to everyone that has supported Brianna over the past year and helping to keep her Birthday alive.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SWEET GIRL-THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE WAS HAVING YOU AND KAYLA AND I WILL NEVER STOP CELEBRATING YOUR LIFE……

MOMMA LOVES AND MISSES YOU SO MUCH!

I really do not know where to start! I hate that this is the second birthday without Brianna, even though we still count the years she will forever be 12.

I want to reflect on the person she was and still is, I know I have allot of pain that I talk about but we must not forget who Brianna was as a person. She was a ball of fire that is for sure, she had the energy of the Energy Bunny, it was her personality that was so full of life, she didn’t just say hello, she said HELLO! she did not just give you a little hug; she gave you a HUG that would throw you back a little.

Brianna always had such an old sole to her, she just knew things, she really read people and took the time to process who they were, she always knew what to say and when to say it. She definitely taught me some lessons and she still is. I remember when Chris and I would leave the girls sometimes we would always go to Brianna and tell her “ok now you keep an eye on your sister, and remember she is not suppose to go anywhere” :) I think Brianna liked when she could sneak on Kayla and loved being able to come to us to tell us what Kayla did…..

Brianna was just a kid trying to figure out life just like the rest of us, she was strong willed and just always happy, I knew in her life she would make a big difference in the world, I just never knew it would be at the age of 12 and at the expense of her own life. I look back at my 12 years with her and feel so blessed with the time I had with her, all the times we spent in the bathroom with me doing her hair, never complaining how long it took, I loved doing the girls hair. I love all the times she tucked me into bed and giving me a big hug good-night. All the innocent things she said like the one time she must have been 4 or 5 and we had a wood cabinet in the bathroom, she was taking a bath and I told her not to get water on the floor it would hurt the wood, she told me ” Mommy the wood doesn’t have feelings” or the time when we were at the pool and some little boy kept pulling Kayla’s hair Brianna marched right up to the dad and said ” do you not see what your little boy is doing to my sister? you better tell him to stop” I think Brianna was 5 or 6. she never had a problem defending people that is for sure. She always had a smile on her face, and of course the frown when she did not get her way or we caught her doing something she shouldn’t be doing.

So much is missed not having her here; I wonder if she would be taller than me? wait what am I saying she was almost taller than me. She grew up so fast in 6th grade it was almost like over night, I don’t know if she was having a hard time with all of the changes of sixth grade, her body was changing, and from the beginning of sixth grade where she was just a kid and then the end of sixth grade she blossomed, she was so beautiful but never accepted compliments and I am sure there were some girls that were jealous.

And again I say that we will never know what happened but I do know that for whatever reason something was going on that she needed to forget about it for just a little bit, there were some kids who were mean to her at the end of the year but then I look at the big picture and school was out, she had the whole summer ahead of her.

I think back to that morning all the time and wonder if I missed something, it is so hard as parents, our kids get mad at us we get mad at them and we never think that anything will happen. Brianna was normal (at least to me) that morning, but I cannot beat myself up, that is why The Choking Game comes up, this game seems so ordinary to kids almost like sneaking a cigarette, ( I will just wait until Mom leaves and light up) these kids just do it on a whim.

Well enough of that I will be thinking of that morning the rest of my life, but you get my point, Brianna was a normal kid going through normal stuff, she had a good home life well maybe sometimes to good, I hardly made her do anything and I always heard it from Kayla :) Brianna had her friends that loved her, and she talked about the future.

We talk about Brianna everyday sometimes as though she is still here, ” where is Brianna’s make-up, or where is Brianna’s computer” or Brianna would love this. And I hope that this is how it will be forever, I never want a day when I do not think of her or talk about her, I don’t know maybe that is my selfish self having the foundation, that way I get to talk about her all the time. People say the pain gets a little lighter, why would I want that? it was a human life that is gone, a human life at the age of 12. I do know that I do smile, I do laugh, sometimes it is sincere sometimes it is just a motion, I believe in happiness but that does not mean that I want the pain and the thoughts of my child to go away, it is a little hard to understand I am sure, but trust me as a Mother who has lost her baby this is how I feel.

I remember being so proud of Brianna’s Dad last year for going to her party, if you have followed me you will know why, he has struggled so hard this past year and really cannot bare to be without her, it is him that I worry about, and it is him I hope Brianna continues to watch over. We just got over a really rough patch a couple of weeks ago, and each time it happens I pray that he continues to fight.

So with that being said I don’t want the day to come but I know it has to just like all the other days but it is days like today that make it even harder and remind us that she is never coming back, it is the holidays that will be here and then the new year, my days are the same filled with the same pain (my new normal) but today is magnified.

This year it was a struggle for me and a very tough decision to keep a quiet birthday at home,

but just wait until next year! We will be planning a HUGE event and that will start the legacy of Brianna Reid Canacari- watch out Pink ribbon you are in for some competition.

You haven’t seen nothing yet we have only just begun.

I want to again say thank you to everyone that has supported Brianna over the past year and helping to keep her Birthday alive.

This was taken last year at school for Brianna’s Birthday.

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